The Big Bang Theory

"To Nerdly Go" a Big Bang Theory episode written by Phil Darg.

"To Nerdly Go" presents a fantasy crossover of The Big Bang Theory and the original Star Trek as envisioned by the Leonard Hofstadter character in response to Sheldon's constant declarations of superiority.

This script can be downloaded in PDF or simply read on the page below.

The word count of this script conforms to the half-hour sitcom length. Please note that this script has not been formatted in a typical TV script format (to allow for easier reading/editing).

More about me at: www.PhilDarg.com

Contact: pdarg@comcast.net OR 763-334-0982




TO NERDLY GO

 

SCENE: the living room of the main apartment; the present. LEONARD and SHELDON are in the midst of a heated argument. The rest are there, including HOWARD, PENNY, RAJ, BERNADETTE, AMY, and STUART.

 

SHELDON: In what universe, sir?! In what universe?

 

LEONARD: You are not always right, Sheldon!

 

SHELDON: Ha!

 

LEONARD: And - newsflash - you're not always in charge.

 

SHELDON: I scoff derisively at your addled assertion. (HE scoffs derisively) I am in charge - all the time - everywhere.

 

LEONARD: What?!

 

SHELDON: Given my mental capacities, whatever the situation, I will always be the person who comes out on top. It's evolution.

 

LEONARD: Really? Well, I'm pretty sure that I could think of some situation where you would not be in charge . . .

 

SHELDON: Poppycock. (Pause) I'm listening.

 

SCENE: the bridge of a starship - one looking like the original Star Trek TV series; the future. RAJ and STUART are operating the main navigation console. LEONARD sits in the captain's chair. Others are positioned nearby operating consoles, their backs turned.

 

LEONARD: Captain's log: star date thirty-six, twenty-eight, thirty-six . . . point five.

 

CUT TO: OPENING CREDITS

 

SCENE: the starship bridge; the future. LEONARD is recording his captain's log.

 

LEONARD: Captain's log . . . We're two weeks into our mission to chart the Pasadena Nebula, an unexplored part of the galaxy . . .

 

STUART: (to RAJ) Hey - look at me . . . I'm on the bridge of a starship.

 

RAJ: Me too - and I've got my eye on that sexy ensign in a short skirt.

 

STUART: Which one?

 

RAJ: (indicating BERNADETTE, who is walking by) That one.

 

BERNADETTE: (to RAJ, angrily) You watch it, mister!

 

      (BERNADETTE walks away, giving RAJ an "I'm watching you" gesture)

 

STUART: (quietly, to RAJ) Well, I am also looking for a hot date.

 

      (GEORGE TAKEI suddenly appears)

 

TAKEI: Oh my . . .

 

STUART: (taken aback) Oh . . .

 

TAKEI: Ensign Stuart, would you like to lay in my coordinates? Perhaps we could plot an intercept course?

 

STUART: Um, I'm just gonna . . . push some buttons now.

 

(STUART awkwardly looks away and begins pushing buttons on his console)

 

TAKEI: Fine . . .

 

(TAKEI goes to SHELDON's science monitor and starts operating it)

 

LEONARD: Mister Koothrappali, increase our speed to warp eight.

 

HOWARD: (suddenly appearing, with a Scottish accent) Captain, I have not yet finished running the engine diagnostics! If we push 'em too hard now, they might break down.

 

LEONARD: Mister Scott, Starfleet needs this data . . . warp eight, Mister Koothrappali.

 

RAJ: Aye, aye, captain. On course. Increasing to warp eight.

 

HOWARD: (without an accent, to RAJ) Really? That's your accent?


RAJ: What?

 

HOWARD: You sound just like yourself.

 

RAJ: So?

 

HOWARD: So . . . you're supposed to be Russian. You should be like . . . (with a Russian accent) "Keptin, the enemy wessel is approaching . . . our shields vill not hold."

 

RAJ: Screw you!

 

      (SHELDON turns around. HE has pointed ears and is obviously Vulcan)


SHELDON: Captain?

 

LEONARD: Yes, Mister Sheldon?

 

SHELDON: We're supposed to be centuries in the future, yet, most of our instruments are analog clock devices and cathode ray screens.

 

LEONARD: Retro chic?

 

     (SHELDON "harrumphs" and then approaches TAKEI)

 

SHELDON: (to TAKEI) You're in my spot . . .

 

     (TAKEI "harrumphs" and exits. LEONARD approaches LIEUTENANT PRIYA, the communications officer)

 

LEONARD: (seductively) Lieutenant . . .

 

PRIYA: Captain, are you trying to rekindle our romance? The first interracial kiss in space?

 

LEONARD: That wasn't the first. I kissed Ensign Joyce Kim before you.

 

PRIYA: Didn't she turn out to be a Klingon spy?

 

LEONARD: Yeah. She was really interested in our warp drive engines . . .

 

PRIYA: (suddenly listening to her ear piece, urgent in her tone) We have a priority one message coming in from Starfleet Command.

 

LEONARD: On screen . . .

 

      (COMMODORE GABLEHOUSER appears on the screen)

 

GABLEHOUSER: Captain Hofstadter . . .

 

LEONARD: Commodore Gablehouser?

 

GABLEHOUSER: We need to reroute your ship. You're to rendezvous with Horn-Gon, chief elder of the planet Rastamagoria Five.

 

RAJ: (softly, to STUART) Why is it always "five"?

 

GABLEHOUSER: He claims to possess vital technology that will aid us in our conflict with the Klingons.

 

LEONARD: I see . . .

 

GABLEHOUSER: They're already sent an envoy by ship to greet you.

 

LEONARD: Understood. We'll obtain the technology and return as soon as possible.

 

GABLEHOUSER: Be careful, captain. There've been reports of Klingons in that sector.

 

LEONARD: We'll be on our guard.

 

GABLEHOUSER: Very well - that is all. Gablehouser out . . .

      (HE remains onscreen, unable to shut off the video conference)

How do I turn this thing off . . .?

 

      (GABLEHOUSER disappears. The screen displays a moving star field)

 

SHELDON: Captain, there's a small ship approaching.

 

LEONARD: On screen. Range?

 

SHELDON: Twenty-two parsecs. Its speed is decreasing rapidly . . . It's running out of power.

 

PRIYA: A message is coming in - audio only.

 

LEONARD: Patch it through.

 

PENNY [VO]: Calling Captain James T. Hofstadter, commander of the starship -

 

      (Static is heard)

 

PRIYA: It's breaking up -

 

PENNY: - request permission to board your ship -

 

SHELDON: Her engines are failing.

 

LEONARD: Mr. Koothrappali - lock on to her ship with the tractor beam.

 

      (RAJ pushes a button)

 

STUART: (to RAJ) That's it? Just . . . push a button? No calculations? No keyboard strokes?

 

RAJ: No. The future is great.

 

SHELDON: Captain, the alien is beaming herself aboard our ship.

 

LEONARD: Prepare for contact.

 

     (PENNY materializes. SHE is a green-skinned alien, like an "Orion Slave Girl")

 

PENNY: Greetings, humans . . . and others.

 

HOWARD: (with a Scottish accent) Great Scott!

 

STUART: She's . . . out of this world.

 

PENNY: That's right. Apparently, I'm so different from all you nerds that the only way to explain my presence here is to insert me as an alien.

 

RAJ: (looking at her) And what an alien!

 

PENNY: (to RAJ) I thought you couldn't talk to extraterrestrials.

 

LEONARD: Are you from Rastamagoria?

 

PENNY: No - but I'm here to guide you there. I come from a planet called Nebraska. Nebraska Five.

 

SHELDON: Fascinating.

 

PENNY: We're a race of sexy shape shifters. We can appear in any form.

 

SHELDON: So you chose green. Good choice!

 

PENNY: I am here to establish . . . relations. Who is the one called "Hofstadter"?

 

LEONARD: I-I'm Captain Hofstadter.

 

PENNY: Really? I thought you'd be a little taller.

 

LEONARD: (seductive) I'm taller than I look - where it counts.

 

      (PRIYA looks at PENNY and shakes her head as if to indicate "no")

 

PENNY: Okay, whatever . . . Captain Hofstadter, do you find this form pleasing?

 

LEONARD: Yeah.

 

PENNY: Perhaps you'd prefer this form . . .

 

      (SHE morphs into a blonde Princess Leia)

 

RAJ: Wrong franchise.

 

LEONARD: (into the intercom) Doctor McCoy to the bridge!

 

PENNY: Or this . . .

 

      (SHE morphs into a short-skirted, Star Trek ensign with her hair done "up")

 

LEONARD: Wow . . .

 

HOWARD: She's a bonny lass, indeed!

 

PENNY: We will establish relations. Then, I will guide you to Rastamagoria Five.

 

BERNADETTE: (catty) Is that what they're calling it nowadays?

 

      (AMY [DR. McCOY] enters)

 

AMY: Jim, I -

 

LEONARD: Doctor McCoy - what's happened to you?!

 

AMY: I was conducting a sex change operation. Something went horribly wrong.

 

HOWARD: Hoot man - you've turned yourself into a woman!

 

SHELDON: Doctor, I believe your auto-surgery unit has got the better of you.

 

AMY: Shut up, you pointy-eared Vulcan!

 

LEONARD: We'll deal with that later. Right now, I need you to scan the alien.

 

      (AMY scans PENNY with a medical tricorder)

 

AMY: Her vitals indicate that she's human . . . a golden-haired, goddess of a human.

 

PENNY: I am human as long as I remain in this form.

 

LEONARD: What's your name?

 

PENNY: I have no name. I'm a Poly-Ectomorphic-Nitro-Yttrium being. You may call me "Penny."


LEONARD: Penny, your ship is damaged.


PENNY: I will make repairs. Then you and I will finish establishing relations.

 

LEONARD: But we need to get to Rastamagoria now.

 

PENNY: Fine. (Pointing) It's that way.

 

LEONARD: Mister Koothrappali - set your coordinates for . . . that way . . . mark five.

 

RAJ: Course plotted.

 

LEONARD: Ensign Stuart, escort Penny to her ship.

 

STUART: (to PENNY) So, you like comic books?

 

SCENE: the apartment living room; the present.

 

SHELDON: An alternate Star Trek universe where you're the captain. Fascinating.

 

STUART: And I'm dating George Takei . . . I could do worse.

 

BERNADETTE: So, do you go to the planet?

 

LEONARD: Of course . . .

 

SCENE: the planet's surface; the future. LEONARD, AMY, RAJ, and ENSIGN KRIPKE [wearing a red shirt] finish beaming down. RAJ starts scanning with a tricorder.

 

LEONARD: We need to find Horn-Gon . . . Ensign Kripke, go over there behind those rocks and search by yourself.

 

KRIPKE: Oh, gweat . . .

 

      (KRIPKE wanders off reluctantly)

 

RAJ: I'm getting some energy readings.

 

     (KRIPKE is suddenly heard yelling. THEY rush to him. THEY find KRIPKE lying dead with some weird spots on his face)

 

AMY: He's dead, Jim.

 

LEONARD: (emotional) I knew his father at the academy.

 

RAJ: Really?

 

LEONARD: What?


RAJ: Well . . . he's really not much younger than you -

 

LEONARD: - uh -

 

RAJ: I mean, if you're thirty-five, and even if he's twenty five, then Kripke's dad would have been like - age ten at the academy. Doesn't make sense, dude . . .

 

SCENE: the bridge of the starship. The ship is being attacked by a Klingon vessel.

 

SHELDON: Mr. Scott - report!

 

HOWARD: Klingon ship! It came out of nowhere. They've knocked out our engines.

 

SHELDON: Lieutenant Priya, open a channel.

 

PRIYA: Channel open.

 

     (WILF WHEATARG - a Klingon version of WIL WHEATON appears on the screen. HE is assisted by Klingons LESLIE WINKLE and RAMONA NOWITZKI)

 

SHELDON: Wheatarg!!

 

WHEATARG: Hello, Sheldon.

 

SHELDON: You can't just drop your cloaking device and attack! That's not fair.

 

LESLIE: Dumbass . . .

 

HOWARD: The transporter is down, too!

 

WHEATARG: You're defeated, Sheldon.

 

SHELDON: No . . .

 

WHEATARG: I'll give you one earth hour to surrender.

 

      (WHEATARG disappears from the screen)

 

SHELDON: Well, this is a fine mess . . .

 

SCENE: the surface of the planet.

 

LEONARD: We need to find the source of the energy readings.

 

      (Pause, then LEONARD, RAJ, and AMY start walking. Pause)

 

AMY: So, why didn't they just beam us down to the right location? I mean, how hard is it to find one guy on a desolate planet? Doesn't the 23rd Century have GPS?

 

LEONARD: Just keep walking . . .

 

SCENE: the starship bridge. SHELDON has just finished explaining the situation.

 

SHELDON: . . . anyway, I think that I've explained everything thoroughly. . .  that's what we're up against.

 

BERNADETTE: I understand.

 

STUART: Got it.

 

HOWARD: (without an accent) Oh.

 

SHELDON: Howard . . . would you like me to use pictures to explain our situation?

 

HOWARD: (with an accent) Mister Sheldon, I'm a first-class engineer.

 

SHELDON: Yes . . . would you like me to use pictures to explain our situation?

 

HOWARD: uh . . .

 

SHELDON: Our only option is to stall for time while I retrieve the landing party.

 

HOWARD: (without an accent) How are you going to do that?


SCENE:
the surface of the planet. LEONARD, AMY and RAJ are still walking.

 

RAJ: And how come this planet doesn't have any wind - or for that matter, any kind of weather whatsoever? It's like we're inside . . .

 

LEONARD: Just keep walking . . .

 

SCENE: The exterior of Penny's spaceship on the hangar deck. SHELDON approaches and knocks on the spaceship door.

 

SHELDON: (Knocks) Penny . . . (Knocks) Penny . . . (Knocks) Penny . . .

 

(PENNY opens the door)

 

PENNY: What?

 

SHELDON: Have you repaired your ship yet?

 

PENNY: Yes - why?

 

SHELDON: I need a ride down to the planet's surface.

 

PENNY: Fine - get in.

 

      (SHELDON enters and looks around - it's a mess)

 

SHELDON: Were you ransacked by Romulans?

 

PENNY: Just shut up and sit down.

 

      (PENNY begins piloting SHELDON down to the planet on her spaceship)

 

SHELDON: Your "check engine" light is on.

 

      (PENNY looks at him - irritated. The Klingons start firing at their ship)

 

SHELDON: The Klingons are shooting at us!

 

PENNY: Don't worry. The shields will protect us.

 

SHELDON: (fearful) Worried?! I'm not worried! Worry is a human emotion and I -

 

      (Another explosion. The ship shakes)

 

SHELDON: Oh my gosh! They're going to kill us!

 

PENNY: For Pete's sake . . .

 

SHELDON: I don't want to die in space! Help me, meemaw!

 

      (After a moment or two of flying, PENNY lands the ship safely)

 

PENNY: There. We've landed.

 

SHELDON: Oh - thank you, Jesus!

 

SCENE: The bridge of the starship. HOWARD is sitting in the Captain's chair.

 

BERNADETTE: What are you doing?

 

HOWARD: (without an accent) What? I'm in charge now.

 

BERNADETTE: You mean the guy who couldn't fix the engines, then couldn't fix the transporter, is now in charge of the ship??


HOWARD: Um, yeah . . .

 

BERNADETTE: I don't think so. Get out of that chair, mister!

 

HOWARD: But -

 

BERNADETTE: I said - get out of that chair!

 

      (HOWARD sheepishly gets out of the chair)

 

BERNADETTE: Go over there and scan something.

 

HOWARD: Fine.

 

BERNADETTE: Or better yet - fix the transporter!

 

HOWARD: Okay . . . Don't yell.

 

BERNADETTE: I'm in command now, and the first order of business: no more short skirts!

 

      (The WOMEN cheer, the MEN groan)

 

PRIYA: Hey! We could all wear pant suits!

 

BERNADETTE: um . . . I guess short skirts are fine for now.

 

      (The WOMEN groan, the MEN cheer)

 

SCENE: the planet. LEONARD, AMY, and RAJ meet SHELDON and PENNY.

 

LEONARD: Sheldon? What're you doing here?

 

SHELDON: The Klingons attacked us and disabled our engines.

 

LEONARD: What?

 

SHELDON: And the transporter is down.

 

      (A cloaked figure - LIONEL - suddenly appears)

 

LEONARD: Are you Horn-Gon - the Chief Elder of Rastamagoria Five?

 

LIONEL: (removing his hood) Yes. Call me Lionel. Would you like a lemon drop?

 

CAPTAIN: Uh - no thanks.


LIONEL: Are you sure? They're . . . they're really good.

 

LEONARD: We're here for the technology. What is it?

 

LIONEL: It's called "an attachment." You send it through e-mail.

 

LEONARD: We've had that technology for years.

 

LIONEL: This attachment has malware. When your enemy opens the file, it wreaks havoc on their computer.

 

LEONARD: We've had that technology for years.

 

LIONEL: But this malware replicates organic matter.

 

SHELDON: Fascinating.

 

LIONEL: (holding up a data storage device) This version is for the latest operating system - Windows Two-Hundred Nine - that's what the Klingons use . . . I think.

 

LEONARD: I'll get it to the ship immediately.

 

LIONEL: That's great . . . say, could you get something down from the top shelf for me? I just can't seem to reach up there . . .

 

HOWARD [VO on comms]: (with an accent) Captain Hofstadter -

 

LEONARD: Hofstadter here . . .

 

HOWARD: I've got the transporter working again.

 

LEONARD: Scotty, beam up the rest of the party. I've got to say goodbye to a very special lady.

 

PENNY: Who - me?

 

SHELDON: You're going to delay the mission just to satisfy your lustful needs?!

 

AMY: Sheldon . . .

 

SHELDON: Oh - this is really too much!

 

      (SHELDON continues to quietly complain to AMY as THEY all beam up - except for LEONARD and PENNY. LIONEL just stands there awkwardly)

 

LEONARD: (to PENNY) I'm sorry we never got a chance to . . . establish relations.

 

PENNY: That's okay. I get the impression you've established a lot of relations already.

 

LIONEL: I'm just going to . . . leave now . . .

 

      (LIONEL walks off camera)

 

LEONARD: Goodbye, Penny.

 

PENNY: Goodbye, Captain Hofstadter.

 

      (THEY kiss, then LEONARD beams up. PENNY displays a lovelorn look)

 

SCENE: The transporter room. SHELDON and AMY are standing there with disapproving looks as LEONARD beams in.

 

LEONARD: Mister Sheldon - Dr. McCoy - what's going on?

 

SHELDON: Captain Hofstadter, I do not wish to take command of the ship. However, your uncontrolled mating behavior leaves me no choice.

 

LEONARD: You can't do this, Sheldon. You don't have the authority.

 

SHELDON: Perhaps not - but Dr. McCoy does. And the good doctor here will certify that you are medically unfit for command . . . You need to keep it in your pants, mister.

 

AMY: I'm sorry, Jim.

 

SHELDON: You will be confined to quarters, and then we'll surrender to the Klingons. It's the logical thing to do.

 

LEONARD: That would be a mistake.

 

SHELDON: You brought this on yourself. I'm in command now . . .

 

SCENE: the apartment living room; the present.

 

SHELDON: Ha! See? Even in a universe of your own delusion, I still come out on top.

 

AMY: But Sheldon . . . that means that - somewhere out there, there's a universe where you don't love me.

 

PENNY: (to LEONARD) Yeah - what's up with that, Gene Dingleberry?

 

LEONARD: Roddenberry.

 

PENNY: I know what I said.


HOWARD: That's a horrible ending.

 

BERNADETTE: Yeah. It makes me hate science fiction - even more.

 

LEONARD: Ah, but like any good episode, all seems lost - until the end.

 

RAJ: There's more?

 

LEONARD: Yes . . .

 

RAJ: Well - finish it!

 

SCENE: The transporter room; the future.

 

LEONARD: You're forgetting something, Sheldon.

 

SHELDON: Unlikely, but - what?

 

LEONARD: Dr. McCoy, you're familiar with Sheldon's medical chart. How long has it been since he's engaged in . . . pon farr?

 

AMY: O-over seven years.

 

LEONARD: Which can make a Vulcan very unstable - even illogical . . .?

 

AMY: That's right.

 

LEONARD: To the point where he would be unfit for command.

 

SHELDON: No!

 

AMY: Yes. I'm sorry, Sheldon.

 

SHELDON: Aw, darn!

 

AMY: It's not so bad. You'll have more time to spend with me.

 

SHELDON: Why would I want to spend more time with you?

 

AMY: Dammit, you pointy-eared goblin - I love you! And I want to engage in pon farr with you - but not now - we've only got four minutes to save the ship!

 

SHELDON: Four minutes?

 

AMY: Yes. That's how much time is left in this episode.

 

LEONARD: To the bridge!

 

      (The picture spins and a brass riff is heard - like the '60s Batman TV series)

 

SCENE: The bridge of the starship.

 

WHEATARG: (on screen) You're in trouble, captain. Your ship is disabled and you're outgunned.

 

LEONARD: (dramatically) We surrender . . .

 

WHEATARG: I should have known that you humans have no stomach for war.

 

SHELDON: We have an official document for our capitulation. You'll need to sign it.

 

WHEATARG: Fine . . .

 

SHELDON: It's called the "surrender agreement." I'm sending it over now . . .

 

     (We see WHEATARG on the screen, opening the file. Suddenly, multiple tribbles appear everywhere - even dropping down on him)

 

WHEATARG: What is this?!

 

LEONARD: I think you're the one in Tribble now . . .

 

WHEATARG: (angry) Hofstadter!!

 

LEONARD: Mr. Scott - get those engines back online - and get us out of here!

 

HOWARD: (with an accent) Aye, Captain!

 

SCENE: The apartment living room; the present.

 

LEONARD: So you see Sheldon, somewhere, there's a universe out there where you are not in charge.

 

SHELDON: Fascinating. Illogical - but fascinating.

 

PENNY: (to LEONARD) If you think that I'm going to wear green make-up and dance around for you half-naked . . .

 

      (PENNY and LEONARD look at each other, then lustfully run off to the bedroom)

 

AMY: (aroused, to SHELDON) Pon farr . . . now!

 

      (AMY grabs SHELDON and leads him out the door)

 

HOWARD: To nerdly go where no nerd has gone before.

 

SCENE: The Engineering section of the starship. HOWARD is working alone.

 

HOWARD: (with accent) Ah, there's nothin' like the sound of a starship cruisin' along at warp eight . . .

 

(KATIE SACKOFF suddenly appears. SHE has a seductive look)

 

KATIE: Mr. Scott. I've been waiting for you . . .

 

HOWARD: (without an accent) You have?

 

KATIE: Yes. I think that there's something wrong with my engines. Maybe you can get them revving for me again.

 

HOWARD: (with an accent) Begorrah . . .

 

KATIE: I think that's Irish.

 

HOWARD: (without an accent) I don't care.

 

KATIE: Well?

 

      (The voice of LEONARD is suddenly heard on the intercom)

 

LEONARD [VO]: Mr. Scott - you're needed on the bridge.

 

HOWARD: (without an accent) Uh - captain?

 

LEONARD [VO]: Scotty - I need you on the bridge - now!

 

HOWARD: (with an accent) I'm sorry, Captain . . . but I've got to have thirty minutes!!

 

 

THE END

 


Questions? Send an e-mail to Phil Darg at: pdarg@comcast.net


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